This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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