you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
