She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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