We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
