Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im drinking this country out of the recession.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
