he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
