I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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