wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
