When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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