I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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