For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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