If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
