Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused