He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
