if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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