So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
