u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
