I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
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His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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