Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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