Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
