I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
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You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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