i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
