guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
