I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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