So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
