before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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