I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
