i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
