Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
