this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
