We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
