So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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