all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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