you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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