just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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