I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
