I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
