if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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