if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
