I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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