so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
