I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
