I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
