i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
