I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
