Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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