He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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