Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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