Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
