He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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