I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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