um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
