You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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