Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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