I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
