I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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